The Myth of the Nice Girl

Well, it’s been quite awhile since I actually finished a book. I read regularly but have finally reached a point where I don’t finish a book I hate simply to “check the box.” I did that for years! When I think of all the hours I wasted on books that were boring me…

Anyway, I tore through The Myth of the Nice Girl—Achieving a Career You Love Without Becoming a Person You Hate by Fran Hauser. I forget where exactly I heard of this book, but I requested it from the library based on the title alone.

I’ve always been the nice girl. If you want proof of it, let me tell you that I struggled just to type the previous sentence because I felt like it was too showy or narcissistic. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying not to ruffle feathers. As a child, it helped me make friends. In high school and college, it meant people wanted me on their team or working with them on a group project.

In corporate America, it hasn’t always served me well. My niceness, or lack of aggressiveness, has hurt my career prospects at times.

Fran Hauser wrote about her experience pretending to be a tough executive. It eventually became difficult to fake it and it limited her effectiveness as a leader too. The entire book focuses on recognizing how to parlay “nice” qualities into assets in the corporate world.

So many of the scenarios Fran described felt true-to-life for me. At work, I am a go-to person. I like to believe it’s because I have skills that are valued, and while that may be true, it’s probably also because I rarely say no. I genuinely like to help people, but I do it to the detriment of my core work sometimes—when I spend my days putting out fires for everyone else, the work that’s been assigned to me in my job description and work plan suffers. There’s an entire chapter in the book dedicated to setting boundaries with colleagues while maintaining caring relationships.

Part of combating this is using what Fran calls the Four Square Model for Setting Boundaries. It’s a method of identifying your priorities so that you can more easily set boundaries with those who might be inclined to take advantage of your niceness.

There are plenty of other practical tips in this book for being ambitious AND likeable, investing in yourself AND being a team player, and more. These things were not presented as mutually exclusive, but rather powerful combinations. I think what I most loved about this book is that it wasn’t focused at all on changing who you are. Instead, Fran makes the argument for seeing niceness as your superpower. It was contrary to so much of the standard “women in the workplace” advice and it was so reassuring to see that there is room for niceness in business.